The last two years have been a complete roller coaster of emotions for me concerning whether or not to grow our family. It’s gone from pure excitement of “yes I’m ready, let’s do this”…to “No- I’m no way near ready for another kiddo,” to even the gut-wrenching tear-your-heart-out feeling of “We won’t ever be able to medically have another one.” There’s been many tears shed, lots of doubts, yet lots of faith, countless prayers, numerous doctor appointments, tons of fertility pills, and even more of the “I give up” moments.
But ever so lately there’s been a shift. A shift of a focus on what’s right in front of me. A focus on the present, a slow down to realize just how incredibly blessed Michael and I are to have what we have been given. We get a mini me to cuddle in between us when the sun comes up and we each get a tiny hand to hold as we walk down the street. We’ve been given a hilarious goofy natured kiddo….who’s facial expressions are better than most comedy central standup acts. He loves soccer and football, singing and piano, jeeps and fishing. He’ll drench you with a squirt gun when you’re not looking and insist you make him pancakes every morning for breakfast. He runs as fast as he can towards you in the airport after not seeing you for a few days and counts to 10 like a champ. ;)
He loves Christmas any time of year and makes friends with everyone on an airplane. He attacks you with his “monster toenails” but yet gives some of the best smooches east of the Mississippi.
I used to think having another kid would make me happier and some how make me feel that our family was “complete.” The societal expectation in our country of “2+ kids= a complete family” is nothing more than a Bowl of Bogus that I bought BOGO. I have never in my life felt more complete and whole like I do now.
When I finally stopped focusing on having more children, stopped worrying about the fertility drugs, what day of the month it was, how many kids my friends had,and if having more children was “the right thing to do”, I realized what Michael and I have been blessed with is actually all I have been looking for in my family all along. One is enough, one makes me feel whole, and one has given me a beautiful feeling of completeness that is like no other. It may have taken me until these past few months to realize it, but maybe this was God’s plan all long. I am thankful to my good Lord above for his blessings for our sweet Bennett. What an amazing gift to be the one to guide him and care for him as his mother.
I get asked so often, “When are you guys going to have your next one?” It’s a totally normal question in this 2+ kid-driven society. Some days when I used to get asked this question, it used to take all my might to not to punch the person in the face because it may have been the same day I got another “no” after 18 months of trying and that same day a friend announced her third pregnancy. However some days it was easier to entertain the question with a “Maybe, I’ll find out tomorrow!” (I still had that glimmer of hope in the back of my mind).
Today was another one of those days I was asked that question again on the plane coming back from Florida…
“Is he your only one?”
Yes Ma’am. (3…2…1….wait for it…)
“When the next one coming along? Fun little boy you got there!”
No other kids right now. He completes us.
It felt so right. I looked down at Bennett laughing with Clarke and showing the man in front of him his new set of wings he got from the pilot. He was beaming. Full of life. It was just me and him, jet-setting back to see Daddy in Greenville. I felt so full, so complete and honestly, happy to just be “us three.” I trust God 100% with our lives and open to any adventure that comes our way. This struggle has taught me those two important things…trust God and enjoy the adventure. In the meantime, we are complete and thoroughly enjoying what God has given us three to enjoy…each other.
